Sunday, December 30, 2012


     If you tuned in yesterday, I was talking about a list of things that I am leaving behind. I took that list of negatives and made it into a list of positive affirmations. I have been reading the list and repeating these affirmations to myself every day. These are separate from my 2013 Goals that I will post about on New Year's Day, but very much a vital part of what I want for myself in the coming year and beyond. Like I said yesterday, to further make plain my intention, I am posting them here :)

I am Evolving. These are my Affirmations:

-I will not spend time with negatvie people

-I will not let the negativity of others hurt me

-I will not be limited by the limitations other people place on themselves

-I will not let anyone steal my Bliss. I will Rise Above.

-I will put myself first more often

-I will make time for myself

-I will pursue my Dreams

-I will be Brave

-I will give my body the sleep, rest, exercise, nourishing food and creative and spiritual fulfillment it needs and deserves

-I will focus on my strengths and try to improve my weaknesses

-I will stand up for myself

-I will be aware and appreciative of my strengths, talents and spiritual gifts

-I will use my time productively

-I will not lose my compassion, but I will not hold onto the sufferings of others. I will learn to let them pass though me.

I Will.


Saturday, December 29, 2012

What I am Leaving Behind

     This post may come across a little on the emotionally heavy side, but I promise you, it is coming from a postive place, I'm only getting all this out in the open so it can lead into the more positive posts coming up :)

      Last week, on the Solstice (12/21/12), Mikey and I attended a lovely holiday party that was sort of a Christmas/Solstice/Yule Party all rolled into one. In additon to wonderful company and delicious food and drink, we also had a small Solstice Ritual ouside in our friend's backyard. On the longest night of the year, with the snow falling softly around us, we all gathered around a small bonfire and sang, offered thanks, greeted the return of the Light, and offered our intentions for the New Year to come. We each had two pieces of paper. On one piece was a list of things that we wanted to leave behind, the things that we wanted burned away. On the second piece of paper was a list of the things that we wanted to take their place, the new intentions we wanted seared into our hearts for the New Year. We put both pieces of paper into the bonfire to seal our intention. I found this to be amazingly cleansing and also empowering. I made an extra copy of each list so that I could reread them and refer back to them in the year to come. I am sharing them here, to further make plain my intention.

      Today, I am going to share the list of things that I am Leaving Behind. I gave myself about 10 minutes the morning of the party and created this list. Here is the list of what I am leaving behind, uncensored and unedited, in the order that they ocurred to me:

I am Evolving. These are the things I am Leaving Behind. I will become a better *Me*

      -Spending time with negative people

      -Letting the negativity of others hurt me

      -Letting the limits other people place on themselves limit me

      -Letting other people steal my Bliss

      -Putting myself last

      -Not taking time for myself

      -Putting everything I want on hold so that other people can have their lives made easier

      -Being afraid

      -Mistreating my body

     -Focusing only on my shortcomings

     -Not standing up for myself

     -Feeling like I am less of a person than I actually am

     -Wasting my time

     -Holding onto the sufferings of others when I should let them pass through me.

     There is no room for any of this inside of me any more. I cannot carry it with me any longer.  I do not want to lose my generosity, my kindness, my compassion, or anything like that, that is not what this is about. But, it has become clear to me this year that I seem to have lost the ability to live for myself. I live for others. I hurt for others, I take care of others before myself. I put what I want aside so others can have what they want. I make most of my choices based on the effect those choices will have on others. When people hurt, I hurt with them, I hurt FOR them. None of these traits are necessarily bad on their own. In fact, they are good, honorable, important traits, and I don't want to lose them completely. But there need to be boundaries. There needs to be Balance.  Everyone has the right and the responsibility to advocate for themselves, for their happiness, and for their own physical/emotional/spiritual well-being. I need to learn how to do this again. I WILL learn how do do this again.

    I'm not expecting this to be easy, and I'm not expecting to get good at it overnight. I'm sure there will be slip-ups and stumbles and sticky spots. But, I want to make a concerted effort to improve on this during the coming year. I took the above list and turned it into a List of Affirmations (the second piece of paper from the ritual), which I will also post here. But, if you want to see those, you'll have to come back tomorrow ;)

Love You,

Friday, December 28, 2012

2012: End of the Year Goal Check-In


 If you're still reading this, that means you stuck with me during the *coughcoughfiveorsixmonthscoughcough* that I had to let this blog go dark, for reasons ranging from having no computer to a severe lack of free time. Oh, and on September 22nd, 2012, this happend :)

 My beloved Michael and I are now husband and wife :) Our wedding day was absolutely wonderful, and we couldn't be happier or more grateful :)

 I've missed you all so much :) After a beautiful first married Christmas, we are turning our eyes to the New Year, 2013. I've actually had really good luck with the goals I've posted here, even if I don't blog about them very often, so it's a trend I plant to continue. However, before I move onto my goals/affirmations, etc for the New Year, I want to do a wrap-up about my 2012 Goals.

Goal #1: Pay for Our Portion of the Wedding Without Accruing Any New Debt: WIN!!!! I am insanely proud of this. This was incredibly, ridiculously hard. We would go for weeks or months at a time without full tanks of gas, went without anything that wasn't absolutely necessary, and survived on bread, peanut butter and instant oatmeal. But it paid off because we paid for our portion of the wedding without going into any new debt. We just used savings and our existing credit cards. The only exception to this was that, about a month before the wedding, my rear brakes failed (great timing, right? 0_O) and I had to get them replaced to the tune of $800, and in order to make that happen I had to open a line of credit with my mechanic, but that was not a wedding expense, that's just part of owning a car, so I don't count it toward *new debt for the wedding*. This was a huge, huge challenge, BUT WE DID IT!!! Seriously, I learned a lot about money management and I couldn't be prouder of us :)

Goal#2: No New Books Until September 23rd, 2012: WIN!!! Speaking of difficult, I have absolutely no effing idea how I pulled this off, but, one of the biggest bookworms you will ever meet, did not buy one. single. book. I borrowed from libraries and friends, received a few as gifts, and reread some favorites that I already own. This did get easier the closer we got to the wedding, because I had no time at all for pleasure reading. I bought one book on our Honeymoon, and I bought two books back in November for my birthday, but even though the challenge was technically over on 9/23/12, I haven't gone hog wild these few months of the year, and I feel really good about that.

Goal#3: No New Clothes Until September 23rd, 2012: WIN!!! With the exception of my wedding dress and Wedding Shoes, which were planned from the beginning, we met this goal with flying colors. I bought one pair of rain boots  because my old ones were absolute sieves, but this goal was probably the easiest in terms of temptation, and by that I mean that I am not as tempted by clothes as I am by books and food and whatnot. By September our clothes were pretty threadbare, and we did go on a mini-shopping spree for new clothes on our Honeymoon, but with the help of clothing swaps and hand me downs and borrowing, we did very well :)

Goal#4: Eat Out A Maximum of Twice Per Week: DRAW. I can't say we were great at this, but I can't say we were awful at it, either. We would go for weeks on end and not eat out at all, but then a week would come where we'd be  eating at restaurants or eating takeout several nights in a row. In the end it all balanced out and, basically, it was a wash. I'm certainly glad we attempted this challenge, and being mindful about our food spending is something that I definitely want to continue to do, but the reality of working in theatre plus working dayjobs is that sometimes we just are logistically unable to eat our meals at home, and we have to accept that and make the best choices we can within that parameter.

Goal#5: Love My Body Again: LOSE. Like I said at the halfway-point check in that I posted back in June, I wish I could tell you all that I had done really well at this, but the reality is that I have not. If anything, I am in a worse place in terms of body image than I was last year. I have put on about 10lbs this year, mostly due to stress, a full-time desk job and the inability to give my body the rest, exercise, pampering and other such self-care it needs. There have been shining moments, certainly. I looked lovely at my Bridal Showers, our Handfasting, and at our Rehearsal Dinner. And, if I do say so myself, I was absolutely radiant on our wedding day, but that had much more to do with Love and Happiness (thought the dress fit perfectly and I couldn't have been happier with it:) I have days, sometimes weeks,where I think I look good/fine, but sadly, those days have gotten fewer and fewer.  These days I weigh about 175 lbs, which breaks my old all-time highest weight by 3lbs. To be honest, I'm a little disgusted with myself. I really, truly try to like my physical self the way it is, but so far, I haven't succeeded, on a regular basis, anyway. But, before I get too much farther into this, let me be clear about something. I find women of all shapes and sizes to be beautiful.I am not stating in any way, shape or form that one must be thin to be beautiful. I would never, ever, pass judgement on another woman's body, I am speaking only about my own appearance and my comfort level in my own skin. My feelings about my personal appearance have nothing to do with the true beauty I see in other women, regardless of their size. I am not kind enough to my body, I don't give it what it needs. I don't give it enough sleep, or enough exercise, I don't give it enough nourishing food. I do not smoke or drink alcohol, and I try to minimize the chemicals my body is exposed to, but even with those in place, I don't give myself enough love. And it all gets very cyclical from there, I'm tired, I'm stressed, which makes me more prone not to like how I look, etc. etc. I will create some kind of 2013 Goal surrounding this issue, exact details to come.

All in All, I'm very proud of my work this year. Every year that I complete even some of the goals, it gives me the courage and confidence to attempt more specific and more challenging goals in the year to come. I hope to do several posts over the next few days surrounding New Years, with my reflections, goals and whatnot. More soon :)

Lynn :)